Appreciating the Present

“Everyone has anxiety these days,” is a statement I’ve heard countless times. I’m not sure what it’s meant to imply: that millennials are claiming to have anxiety and don’t, or that literally all young people have anxiety and no one cares. Regardless, one thing is true. Anxiety doesn’t magically appear out of nowhere; many factors can lead to normal levels of stress to transform into anxiety attacks because this life thing is tough.

I’ve allowed my fear of change in the future to shake up my current life dramatically. I’ve lived by a planner since I was fifteen years old. Everyday, I noted my homework, plans with friends, due dates and other things. When I bought my current planner, I didn’t realize that I’d have nothing to schedule after May 6, 2018, my graduation date. That scares the hell out of me.

In my world, the unknown is an incredibly scary place. Throughout my educational career, I’ve worked hard to learn numerous skills that’d make me a phenomenal candidate for media jobs. Everything that I’ve worked for in internships, training opportunities, conferences and college classes has lead to now. Yet now, I find myself in a cowardice space: afraid, doubtful, still driven yet unconfident that my applications will lead to at least an interview. This has led to my personal life often feeling like it’s gone awry. Like standing dominoes, when one event goes badly, negative energy from that spills into the rest of my day. From there, it becomes hard to get back up.

It’s still hard to get back up. I used to tell myself that I could plan my healing. That I could write calming things to do, such as reading, meditating, napping, and have my fix for a healthier mentality. I now understand that healing isn’t always that easy. We can’t always fix ourselves, and neither can our loved ones. No amount of praying and meditating have relieved me of the anxiety I experience on a day to day basis. What I once thought was normal for a near college graduate like myself has proved to be unhealthy.

I’m no longer holding on to the hope that my anxieties will all go away once I get job A, job B or Fellowship C. I’m working on building my confidence and self-love. I’m no good to anyone else until I invest in myself and show myself the proper care. Now, I think that means accepting that I have a busy schedule. It means accepting that I won’t be able to crank out three applications back to back, and that’s okay. Quality over quantity. My wellness over my productivity. I will make it through.

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